A vast majority of us are guilty of dwelling on our pasts, me included. I look back on my childhood with anger and resentment, thanks to my biological mother and former foster mother; one being incapable and selfish, the other being manipulative and cruel.
I’d always been a little adult instead of a child when it came to mothering my sisters but, at times, I wish I could have experienced everything that all other kids my age had. My tender age was only ever apparent to me when I was faced with the fury of my stepfather. I was finally taken away from it all but found myself even deeper into Hell with a woman who saw me as a scapegoat and emotional punching bag. My only solace were the four walls of my bedroom.
Neither were very good role models for a young girl.
But (and it’s a big but) I’m thankful for the valuable lessons I learned from them both:
- Because of my bio mother’s incompetence, I learned how to care for a baby at the age of 6 and remember it all to this day,
- Because of her selfish choices I know never to choose a man over my children (in fact, my children will always be my upmost priority),
- Thanks to my foster mother’s constant furious screaming, I know to stay calm and talk to them when my kids do something wrong,
- Thanks to her obvious hatred I know what unconditional love will feel like when I look at my own children,
- And thanks to both, I know that when my child spends all their time in their room, it’s a sign that something is troubling them, and they need me.
My biggest fear has always been ending up as a bad mother and at times it drags me into paranoia, but deep down I know that my children will be loved, happy, and free to be themselves.
xx Chloe
